Dr. Patti Zomber, Contributing Editor, is a licensed psychologist for children and families. As a mother of three, she shares a unique understanding of the challenges and experiences families face every day.
Ask Dr. Patti a question and it could be featured in upcoming months.*
Unfortunately, due to the high volume of emails, Dr. Patti cannot answer all of the questions she receives.
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Q. Our 4-year-old does not listen well and when we reprimand her, or if she doesn't "get her way" she will throw a tantrum, which can sometimes include hitting. What is the best way to handle this?
-Julie S. Read Answer
Q. I want to raise happy children, but I am worried that my husband's battle with depression is affecting their attitude.
-Shelly H. Read Answer
Q. My 7-year-old daughter is extremely shy. She will not introduce herself to anyone and will not join other girls in the activities that they are doing. Is this just a phase?
-Kathy C. Read Answer |  |
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Q. Our 4-year-old does not listen well and when we reprimand her, or if she doesn't "get her way" she will throw a tantrum, which can sometimes include hitting. What is the best way to handle this?
A. Your daughter has probably learned that tantrums and hitting gets her what she wants - attention, power and an excuse to showcase her anger. The solution is to set limits and teach her appropriate ways of handling her needs and feelings and understanding the deeper reasons for her emotional reactivity. The latter may require professional help if you are not successful with the following plan.
1. Never, ever give in to the demands of a tantrum. One caregiver who does so will compromise everyone's authority.
2. Remain calm and avoid emotional escalation.
3. Avoid physical struggle unless safety necessitates that you hold her.
4. Don't give her the opportunity to hit. If she does, then give an immediate consequence such as removal from the situation, loss of privileges and a meaningful apology. Do not hit her back, as this models violence.
5. Implement "time out," one minute for each year of age, and restart the timer until she settles.
6. Be prepared to leave public places, let go of plans and accept the inconvenience of waiting her out for as long as she needs to cry. She will learn quickly.
7. Share this plan with your daughter, emphasizing that you will help her use her words to express feelings, understand the needs and feelings of others, accept the necessity of listening, develop impulse control and learn successful ways of getting her needs met.
Q. I want to raise happy children, but I am worried that my husband's battle with depression is affecting their attitude.
A. The more you are able to maintain a positive attitude despite your husband's depression, the better your children will weather this storm. Seek support for yourself and your family from professionals, family and friends. Keep family routines and activities in place with as much participation from your husband and your support system as possible.
Your children need to know that depression is an illness that is temporary and able to be treated successfully. It is no one's fault, especially not theirs. They can help by being generous with their kindness and patience.
Answer their questions in a simple straightforward manner, understanding that they want reassurance more than they want a lot of information. Your optimistic spirit will carry you all!
Q. My 7-year-old daughter is extremely shy. She will not introduce herself to anyone and will not join other girls in the activities that they are doing. Is this just a phase?
A. Most children outgrow shyness and "blossom" at a certain age, but some will always be shy. While being outgoing happens to be a cultural value, shy children are often thoughtful, creative, intellectual, and happy with one or two friends.
Accept your daughter as she is and don't turn shyness into a "problem." Listen and respond to her unique interpersonal needs and preferences. She may prefer quiet activities alone or with one friend. Support her in the way she wants without imposing your value judgments upon her. Encourage and empower her to move gradually beyond her comfort zone without rescuing.
If she is truly anxious in social situations over a prolonged time, she may have social anxiety, which is best treated by a professional.
For more information about Dr. Patti, her services and the latest topics among parents, visit her website.
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