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Q. Our 3-year-old granddaughter has what I call a "sassy mouth." Giving her a time-out does not work. Can you help?
-Diana D. Read Answer
Q. How do I teach my preteens to take responsibility for their mistakes? It seems that every time they forget to do homework or bring home a school assignment it is the teacher's fault or my fault, but never just because they forgot or didn't want to do it. What can I do?
-Lisa B. Read Answer
Q. I have reason to believe that my 13-year-old stepdaughter is stealing. I have never caught her in the act, but she seems to acquire things that I know aren't hers, and when she visits other peoples' homes they say that their belongings are missing. How should I handle this?
-Roshonda R. Read Answer |  |
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Q. Our 3-year-old granddaughter has what I call a "sassy mouth." Giving her a time-out does not work. Can you help?
-Diana D.
A. First, do your granddaughter's parents share your expectations about appropriate language and do they handle this misbehavior consistently? A time-out is only effective if clear limits have already been established.
Second, where is she learning this behavior? How do the siblings, peers and adults in her life speak to each other? Three-year-olds are notorious copycats and enjoy testing the power of words to provoke a big response.
Use time out in a calm firm manner in order to avoid indulging her negative attention-getting behavior. Also, teach her about the power of supportive words. Three-year-olds can begin to understand that hurting others with words is not acceptable.
Q. How do I teach my preteens to take responsibility for their mistakes? It seems that every time they forget to do homework or bring home a school assignment it is the teacher's fault or my fault, but never just because they forgot or didn't want to do it. What can I do?
-Lisa B.
A. Discussions about fault-finding are fruitless if they never move beyond finger-pointing. A focus on blame is usually more about venting frustrations than about generating solutions.
Kids don't learn important life lessons in an argumentative atmosphere, and they don't "own" the problem. Homework is always their responsibility, no matter what.
Kids take responsibility when parents are able to let go and let them experience the consequences of their actions. Those consequences are between them and their teachers. Don't let them off the hook. But do facilitate collaboration among child, teacher and parent to identify the cause of the problem and generate solutions as a team. Homework avoidance could be the manifestation of a learning discrepancy, a mismatch between child and curriculum, or an emotional difficulty. Create a plan with clear delineation of your child's responsibilities.
I treated homework as my preteens' job. Like my job, it required organization and time management. Their daily success in developing those skills and meeting teacher expectations determined their privileges and the amount of discretionary time available to them. No excuses. "Grown-up" privileges followed a "grown-up" approach to responsibility. They knew this and were eager to excel.
Q. I have reason to believe that my 13-year-old stepdaughter is stealing. I have never caught her in the act, but she seems to acquire things that I know aren't hers, and when she visits other peoples' homes they say that their belongings are missing. How should I handle this?
-Roshonda R.
A. Work closely with your stepdaughter's father, confronting her privately and calmly as a team. If you approach the stealing as a family concern and avoid harsh criticism, you will be more likely to learn the reasons for the behavior.
Stealing at this age is often driven by peer pressure. Kids steal in groups and/or they believe that acquiring the stolen items will help them "belong." Either way, she may be feeling inadequate, envious or deprived. In your case, the evidence is so obvious that it may represent her cry for help.
Your stepdaughter must return the stolen items, apologize and accept the consequences of her actions. She needs both your emotional support and strategies for handling peer pressure, as well as the confusing feelings of her age. She may benefit from counseling.
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